Myth #3: Aliens

There are no aliens. Aliens are goblins in space suits. Little green goblins but we call them aliens so that we don’t sound ridiculous. We used to call them Martians, but then the prospect of actually seeing what’s on Mars screwed that up. Martians really belong to Bradbury anyway.

The Conspiracy:

Aliens are responsible for… almost everything.

In Rocket Ranger, you fought Nazis who were on the moon. If you had the German version, you fought aliens

Yes, the German version made Nazis into aliens.

How It Started:

People ran out of gods, ghosts and secret societies to blame stuff on.

History channel does not help when they show this. What is going on there anyway? It doesn't look healthy

The Stupid:

Mercury spaceship. Some people were adamant that a spaceship was equipped with a cloaking device and we caught it on film.

People watch T.V. and think the cloaking devices on Star Trek are real

“If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.” – Stephen Hawking

While that makes perfect sense during your fifteen minute alien research blitz, but it’s pretty sorry for a guy who is supposed to be a great mind. Unlike the people greeting Columbus, we would know what space ship is, what doesn’t belong on this Earth and what a slave trade looks like in it’s early stages.

Also unlike the ancient North Americans, we have .45s, missiles, jet fighters and nuclear weapons. Throw some jihadists, rednecks and a few thousand pit bulls in there, and the aliens will GTFO before lunch is over. They will return home with reports about the nastiest intergalactic trailer park ever seen.

Commander! The Star Destroyer is being attacked by giant children's game pieces!

The Reality:

We are alone on a warm little piece of rock that floats around in deep, cold angry space. Perhaps one day we will find another Earth-like place. That’s what intelligent life will be found on, a similar place. We aren’t the only rock to grow some mold.

But mold ain’t spacemen.

But it's awesome to sell books. Man, we make all the money on dorks who avoid reality